My birthday is approaching. All of a sudden I'm thinking of all the stuff I've done this past year... and all the stuff I HAVEN'T done. All the ways I've grown, and all the reminders that I still have far to go.
For all my high school years (which weren't that many) I've held very high standards for myself. I always had to get good grades - all A's - or I wouldn't be happy with myself. I had to be good at a lot of things. For instance, I had to be good in piano. I had to be good at singing. I had to.... well, let's just say I had to be really really good at something otherwise I'd beat myself up mentally for a couple of months.
There were a few things that I let slide. I haven't always been the neatest person. If my desk isn't neat, it's not going to kill me; so why bother? Similarly; if my bed isn't made, it's not going to kill me either.
But all the other stuff. I don't know why I pushed myself so hard. In my responsibilities as one of the leaders of my youth group. The emails had to be sent out on time. I had to keep in touch with people. I had to stay on top of things. Sure, people would be mad if I didn't do what I was supposed to on time, but it wasn't only that that drove me.
I wanted to help others to the best of my abilities. I really did. I also knew how frustrating it felt to be waiting for an email and not get it. But face it: I wasn't the only leader in my fellowship. There were other people who COULD do what I did. There are other people who CAN do what I am doing. Even though they don't. Sure the pastor of my church would be mad at me and hold me personally responsible if I didn't turn out a project on time. Or if I didn't do it "well enough", however that is defined.
So why did I push myself so hard? Why DO I push myself so hard, even now?
I don't think that it's because there aren't other people who can do what I do. I don't think that it's because I myself personally know how it feels to be waiting for something that didn't come on time. I don't think it's because I'm afraid of my pastor's anger. I do not for a moment believe that it's because God would be angry at me.
I think it's because I feel so inadequate. I'm afraid of not being enough.
I need to stop pushing myself hard. I need to learn how to breath again. To be still and know that God is God... I need to stop MAKING myself so busy with church and life and schoolwork and just LIVE again. Breath. Maybe I never knew what it was to live. Maybe ... I do know what it is to live. If I don't, then I'm going to learn.
I need to get back in flow with that Music again.
Peace out.
<3
Comments (8)
especially about the desk being messy :))
but yea... =]
There's absolutely nothing wrong with driving oneself and accomplishing bunches. Do it for the right reason.
I can't live with an unmade bed. The sight of It depresses me. And if things aren't orderly, not necessarily neat, but orderly I go insane. It's like a my brain gets attacked on all sides bombarded by stress molecules.
As for that life your looking for that feeling of being alive and free and knowing who you are what you want and where your going. When Our Father through Christ brings you to that point... and he will... remember what The Master taught,"Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it".
I know, it is a fine balance between doing things well and pushing ourselves to perfectionism. What God showed me this weekend is that He loves me regardless. It is something I have a hard time really believing, even though it is a truth. There is nothing wrong with asking for help in some things too.
Heather